As We Have Learned- Anxiety Can Relapse

I honestly never thought the beast of anxiety would come roaring back with the same force we witnessed during our darkest moments, but there it was, once again wreaking havoc on our life.  After six months of pure happiness and joy, life-altering anxiety snuck in most unexpectedly. Even during the best of times, anxiety had a small role in our daily lives. My daughter managed the anxiety with such courage and grace that even when present, it did not impact the overall quality of life.  Sadly, for reasons I will never understand, anxiety once again began controlling nearly every aspect of our waking hours. The joy that once shined in my daughter’s eyes was masked behind a deep sadness. Anger and rage filled my insides throughout the day. 

In years past, when anxiety emerged as the boss, I always had hope because I knew there were treatment options that we had not explored.  With the help of our amazing therapist over the past 21 months, our family learned how to manage anxiety so that when it reared its head, Julia could control the beast and we were there to support her.  During this relapse, I was petrified by what I saw because she had the skills and yet, she found it impossible to use them due to the stronghold anxiety held on her mind. What had worked successfully in the past was failing us now.  The fear I felt then was like nothing I had felt before. I was utterly scared to death of the future. If all of the skills and treatments for anxiety are exhausted, what does the future hold?

The therapist had told us that anxiety relapses were not uncommon, especially given the timing and events that lead to Julia’s downward spiral.  Anxiety is highest in the fall, her course work began to feel overwhelming, she had a fallout with a best friend, and my husband and I planned a three-night vacation for the first time in our life (since we thought she was stable).  Those events combined, lead to her spiral. Julia struggled to handle her emotions and together, it all became too much so her anxiety kicked in for self-preservation. Unfortunately, Julia “allowed” the anxiety to take the reigns, which caused her to withdraw and avoid nearly every situation rather than rely on the support to work through these challenges. 

For Julia, negative habits form quickly, and once she avoided one class, her anxiety told her that she cannot attend any classes because it is simply too scary (and Julia listening to the forceful voice of the anxiety).  Her school has been incredibly understanding and quickly enacted a wonderful plan full of support but she refused to work with the plan, leading to anxiety-induced behavior choices. When she becomes engulfed in deep anxiety, her emetophobia returns so strong that her OCD grasps on and she does nearly everything possible to avoid any potential of becoming sick to her stomach.  The anxiety creates a feeling of nauseous which makes her think that she may vomit at any time…which as irrational as it is to us, without this phobia, she will do ANYTHING to avoid the possibility of this. Therefore, she avoids classes, friends, outings and restricts her food intake. Her life became consumed with the fear of vomit and the what-ifs of it happening to her.  All of her CBT therapy appeared to be no match for the strength of the anxiety whispering in her ears. 

And as quickly as it began, it stopped.  Julia told me that she decided that she had had enough and bravely just shut down the voices of anxiety in her head.  She was determined to take back control, and she did. She has attended classes, returned to a more regular intake of food, has filled her social calendar, and captured the joy that was missing in her life.  This isn’t to say that anxiety is erased from her life. There are glimpses of it each and every day, but once again, she is in charge and handles it to the best of her ability.  

Sitting here typing this, I honestly have no idea what the future holds.  I know that anxiety ebbs and flows, meaning there will be tough times for her and our family, as anxiety would creep in and out of her life without warning.  Yet, I NEVER expected to fall so far down that we were nearing rock bottom again. My sadness, anger, and fear were magnified larger than I thought possible. If she has skills and cannot/chooses not to apply them when they are needed most, where do we go?

She often asks me, with tears in her eyes, why she, as a 14-year-old, has to keep up this exhausting battle, while her friends just pop out of bed and walk into school? I wish I had an answer for her.  All I can do is hug her and remind her that life is not fair. Every one of us faces daily battles that we must learn how to overcome if we want to find joy in life. Her battle is far bigger than most but it simply is the hand that she was dealt.  She must learn how to play that hand in order to be happy and successful. 

During her latest anxiety relapse, my health was the worst it has ever been.  I struggled to concentrate during the day and seldom fell sleep until the wee hours of the morning.  My body yelled at me as my blood pressure was the highest it had ever been and the inner rage I felt at times scared me.  The sadness hurts my heart in ways that I did not think were possible. Yet, I woke each morning after a restless night’s sleep, with the hope that today would be the day that she finds the inner strength to overcome the anxious thoughts.  I did not know what else to do with myself except hope, even when it felt impossible. I knew I should have felt hopeful that she overcame the beast of anxiety once before, she can do it again. Sadly, I felt the opposite. I wondered if she overcame it once before, why were we here again. 

For those of you who have read the post about overcoming anxiety, and are now reading this because you held onto the hope of my daughter’s success, all I can say is keep holding onto hope.  The six months we had were the best six months of my life. Sometimes I find myself wishing that she had never gotten better because it was such a tease. But honestly, I would take those 6 months again knowing that this would happen because I know what is deep inside her and what she has to look forward to in life as she battles hard once again.

I am also wiser in the ways to help support her emotionally because, while she appeared to have overcome anxiety, there were signs that we may have overlooked.  Once she began high school and showed little signs of anxiety, she was treated like a “typical” kid. I realize now that she will never be “typical” and that even when she appears healthy, she still has mental health challenges. 

As we enter a phase of anxiety management, I find myself breathing a bit easier.  As always, I never take the sound of her laughter, the responsibility of driving her and friends around, or the smile on her face for granted.  I know that at any moment, those everyday joys could be wiped away for the seeable future. I also do my best not to worry about the future because the reality is, I have no control.  The pride I feel for my entire family is immeasurable. My husband and I have endured another period of time that could have broken us down but instead brings us together, my son stayed strong through hellish moments in what should be the safety of his home, and my daughter rose up when the world tried to bring her down for good.