Why You Must Stop Enabling Children with Anxiety and Begin Empowering Children Instead
This is the number one must-read topic for any parent of an anxious child. If I could go back 8 years and read this article, I truly believe things would have turned out differently. I had no idea that I was enabling my anxious daughter many times throughout the day. I thought I was protecting her, when in fact, I was amplifying and reinforcing the anxiety. What I needed was knowledge about the importance of empowering children with anxiety.
As parents, we will do whatever necessary to make our kids feel safe, secure, and as happy as possible. We never want to see our kids in pain or distress. Add a disability to the mix of everyday parental worries, and we have entered a whole new dimension! For me, I knew my daughter was battling the beast of anxiety every day, so I felt I should remove as many uncomfortable and unhappy situations from her path as I could so she was better able to enjoy life in spite of anxiety. (Check out this article written by a middle school teacher discussing “Lawnmower Parenting”.)
Through extensive treatments and research, I am now fully aware of the role that parental anxiety plays in raising an anxious child. While I do not regret my mistakes, knowing I did not have the knowledge or understanding to do better, I would love a re-do! Parents have a responsibility to do what is best for their children. We must learn how and why to stop enabling a child with anxiety and how to empower a child instead.
Enable versus Empower
By enabling children, we are giving power to the anxiety that it is a beast to be feared, controlling our lives. Any parenting decision or behavior that makes it easier for our child to continue down the path of fear and avoidance is enabling. This style of parenting often soothes our children, and often our own anxiety, at the moment but limits their growth and capabilities long term. Empowerment, on the other hand, teaches our anxious children that we see and hear their fear and that we are here to work through this together. It teaches resilience, coping strategies, and ultimately confident independence.
As a teacher, I learned and witnessed, that ALL children, no matter their abilities physically, mentally, or emotionally, will try to get what they want and avoid situations or tasks that they dislike. The same goes for children with anxiety. Parents of all children are aware of this and must make decisions on raising children to be confident, independent adults. I thought I needed to give in and make my anxious daughter happy when I really needed to work even harder to give her the skills she needed in life. I needed to empower a child rather than enable her.
Reality Versus Parenting Books
Here is my big “aha moment” that I feel is lacking in all parenting books and books about anxiety. Those books are often, not always, written by incredibly gifted, knowledgeable experts who offer an incredible amount of education, guidance, and support, but ultimately fail to convey that parenting an anxious child is never black and white…there is always a gray area. For me, I felt like the ideas I was presented were always failing me because I tried to follow their guidelines. Those guidelines, I realized needed to be viewed as starting points. In the real world of child anxiety, daily life is a game of “pick your battles”. What triggers anxiety today may not be an issue the next day. Or a child’s lack of sleep may make the entire day feel like you have to walk on eggshells. Parents of anxious children must always be observing, using their best judgment, and work through trial and error in order to find the most successful ways in which to empower anxious children.
I feel very confident in the concept of empowering and enabling, as I can identify what should be done in each situation, and I do my best to empower my children at all times. However, real-life happens and there are many times where I weigh my options and enabling happens because I have to get to work on time or I have to leave my child in the care of someone else. In these moments, I remind myself and my daughter that while this may not be helping you, we pick our battles and look at the big picture. I often refer back to this moment later to reflect on what we could have done better. My ultimate goal is to make sure that the majority of my time I make decisions that empower my children, rather than enable them. I do not beat myself up for the moments of enabling because life must go on.
I have to ask myself, can I handle another meltdown right now? If I have the time to stick it out, I must make the empowering parental decision, even knowing my child will give pushback. I have learned to plan extra time before leaving the house specifically for moments like this. In the beginning, it seemed useless to fight these battles, but I reminded myself that the goal was a long-term success, not immediate results. I can say with certainty, that it does work but it is hard work and requires incredible patience. Having this knowledge and mindset from the beginning would have been a game-changer for our family.
Examples of Enabling an Anxious Child
I am guilty of every example of enabling listed below. At the time, I thought I was doing what was best for my daughter.
Shielding or protecting your child from situations that may cause anxiety
Your child is afraid to attend a birthday party, go out to dinner, visit the neighbors, etc. so you allow them to stay home at all times. It feels right to allow them to stay in the safety of their home rather than face the anxiety of being out and about.
Stepping in to complete a difficult task for them
Your child has a slideshow presentation due for school and is worried it will not be perfect so you complete the work for them, ensuring it is done without mistake. You believe that completing the project for them removes some stress from their already anxiety-filled school day.
Not allowing a child to take risks
Your child wants to try out for the sports team but you do not let them because you worry they may not make the team and they will be disappointed. Your child does not handle disappoint or failure well, so you remove the possibility that they will not succeed in order to avoid the possibility of their disappointment.
Giving in to complaints or demands
Your child complains that she or he wants more time on technology even though their time is up. You let them stay on longer to make them happy and avoid an argument or sadness on their part.
Not allowing a child to experience discomfort
Your child is worried about singing on stage with the music class at school so you let him or her stay home from school. You know they feel anxiety in these situations so allowing your child to skip the performance shields them from the anxiety.
Cover up your chid’s errors
Your child took another kids book home from school- you allow them to keep the book rather than return it with an apology. You worry that your child will be embarrassed by his decision to take a book so you do not enforce an apology.
Protect from natural consequences
Your child did not remember to complete his or her homework and she is anxious that the teacher will be mad. You email the teacher and take the blame for the incomplete homework.
Removing anxious triggers
A child must learn to manage anxious situations independently. When you remove triggers or encourage avoidance, you should your child that he or she is not capable of handling the situation.
Examples of Empowering Children with Anxiety
I have also done all of these with success- they do take a bit more planning and you have to change your thought process so this becomes the norm- and be prepared for resistance and meltdowns in the beginning.
Offering opportunities for gradual exposure to situations that may lead to anxiety
Your child is worried about going places. Create a plan where you will stay away from crowds and re-evaluate the situation after 10 minutes.
Working together with your child to complete a difficult task
Sit down together and come up with a plan, each taking roles to get the task done successfully. The plan should include baby steps, lots of support, and plenty of time.
Creating experiences that offer small risks to your child
For children who worry about being alone, create opportunities for your child to go to the basement alone for 5 minutes or to ride their scooter outside while you watch from the window.
Standing firm when your child complains or demands
Remind your child that you have expectations for a reason and that you will not change your mind…then DO NOT give in!
Compromising when a child may be uncomfortable
If your child is really struggling with singing with the choir, work out a plan where he or she sings one song, then assesses how he or she feels, making the decision to stay or leave. This way they experienced an uncomfortable situation but it was not too overwhelming.
Helping your child work through and accept their errors
Creating a plan where the child returns the book with a personal apology.
Allowing your child to experience natural consequences
The homework was not complete so he or she needs to ask the teacher how to handle the situation…lower grade, missed recess, etc.
Teaching your child to manage anxiety when it arises
By helping your child gain the knowledge and understanding of anxiety and how to manage the thoughts and feelings, you are empowering them to go through life with the confidence they can handle whatever situation may arise. Help them learn to talk back to the anxiety, create positive reminders to carry with them, or give access to The Calm App when they need time to re-focus.
As shown, enabling leads to avoidance of anxiety, which is not helpful for anyone. Empowering a child leads to anxiety management, resilience, flexibility, all tools needed in order to live a happy, successful life. Parents should always acknowledge their child’s thoughts and anxieties, making realistic, positive promises to help them navigate all situations. Parenting is hard. Parenting an anxious child is harder. Be kind to yourself, knowing you will make mistakes, but know you have the tools and knowledge to better empower your child.
Be sure to check out Helping Children Manage Anxiety at School: A Guide for Parents and Educators in Supporting the Positive Mental Health of Children in Schools.
This is helpful. I recently learned my 12 years old has anxiety. I am learning not and more how to handle different situations. I am more of an empowering side but need to learn when to act differently. I don’t want to be a pusher. It is a learning process.
Thanks for the information you share.
What a joke. As if generalized anxiety disorder (not situationally anxiety) can be eliminated by empowering you kids. I’ve empowered all of my kids, and 5 out of 6 don’t have anxiety, but one does. Some anxiety cannot be fixed with empowerment, and I refuse to be thought of as less of a parent because I have a child with anxiety. I am actually more of a parent by getting my child the help he needs to function with the assistance of therapy and medication. I’m tired of people minimizing a child’s anxiety as something that can be overcome solely with good parenting and eliminating the possibility that a child’s anxiety can be the result of an actual, treatable mental illness.
I appreciate you taking the time to share your thoughts. I absolutely believe that as parents we must empower our kids, but I never stated, nor do I believe, that empowering our children eliminates anxiety. Anxiety is a mental illness and must be thought of as such. To be clear, my daughter takes medication and receives regular therapy, which I write about on this blog. I apologize if the article in any way made you feel that I was bashing any type of parenting. There is no right way to parent and we must all do what is best for our kids. Anxiety is a complex issue that often requires medical help. Anything extra we can do, such as empowerment is like icing on the cake.
Terrance you seem offended and hostile. Hope you too are receiving therapy. No one parent is perfect. I believe the author was providing tips from her own experiences. With having 6 children you should know that not every child can be parented the same. What helps one parent may not help another. I found this article to be useful to my 2 children who are night and day. One I know has anxiety, and the other I didn’t even think did until after reading this article and having an “ah ha” moment.
I am so glad I found this article. Since covid started my sons anxiety has been really bad. So bad that in July he started having panic attacks before bed. He has been seeing a therapist since last year, and I’m thinking of switching him because I feel like it isn’t beneficial for him. I am a big believer on empowering! Two years I suffered ptsd and anxiety and severe panic attacks and learning empowering saved me and has changed my life but I learned that on my own. I have no idea how to help my son learn that?? I try my hardest to not give into his worries, but sometimes it gets my anxiety going. He is 8 and will start crying and throw a tantrum when things get hard.
Such a great post! We have an extremely anxious ten year old daughter and it’s a daily struggle! We’ve had a counsellor tell us to remove the level of activation, but I’m not sure what to do with that. Do we ignore stressful situations that will cause an outburst all together? And how do you discipline a child like this, when they’ll just have a meltdown over everything? Would love some more input! Thanks!
Thank you! It is a challenge to parent a child with anxiety. It sounds like you are seeing a counselor but are not clear on how to help your child. I would start by asking your counselor for more explicit suggestions on how to help. If you are not feeling successful, it may be worth exploring a new therapist. It is important that you and your child are part of the therapy together. A child should not avoid stressful situations as a child must learn how to handle the anxiety that arises from stressful situations. Life will always present stressful situations that cannot be avoided in order to have a successful, fulfilling life. However, a child needs the skills to manage and work through the anxiety that arises during these times. These skills are acquired through CBT and practice. I have also struggled with discipline over the years but I have learned that when a child is anxious and does not have skills, their poor behavior is really out of their control. Once a child has skills, they should be expected to use them, then rewarded and praised for using their skills and working through the anxiety. In the beginning, you will have to support and encourage your child a lot in order to help her manage the anxiety, but over time, she should be expected to do the work (this will depend on her age as well). I hope this is a starting point for you.
Such an amazing post. I have an anxious preschooler and day in and day out I feel so lost in how to help him. The meltdowns are literally over everything and are all day long. Even his teachers are telling me “he’s very whiney today,” for example.
This is a very helpful read for me! You have gained a subscriber!
https://www.SilverJasmine.com
I am so glad you found this. I have years of experience with preschoolers. Please reach out if you have any questions where I could help you or your child’s teachers.
Such an informative post – I am sure this will be helpful to so many people!
Great post. It was so informative.
Thank you.
This is a fabulous article. Showing your mistakes makes you human and relatable… showing what to do instead guides us on what will hopefully be a better path… I have had lifelong anxiety disorder but didn’t know what it was until my 30s. This will help so many children and caregivers. Kudos! I recently launched a blog – livingthespecialneedslife.com and would like to personally invite you to come visit. I’d love to hear your thoughts on both of the current posted articles.
Thank you for the positive thoughts. I also had anxiety my whole life but didn’t realize it until my mid 20’s. I am thankful that I can help my daughter early in life. I look forward to checking out your blog.
My daughter is only 3 but has shown some anxiety, and signs of needing to be perfect ( I struggle to relate to that) but we have pushed through and have found some amazing peer groups she loves to join in on and I hope it continues. She does however tell me almost every day she doesn’t want to go to school. We do plan on homeschooling, always have, but I don’t know how to handle her not wanting to do something she doesn’t even fully understand.
I am totally related to this since I am a single mom. It is hard for me to relate to his anxiety especially in his academics but seeing his improvement from time to time I would say that I am I’m on the right track.
Improvements are so motivational to keep pushing forward. Keep going!!!!
We live with this too. I try to teach her & empower her but always wonder if it was enough.
These are all great tips! My childhood anxiety wasn’t as bad as your daughter’s (plus my parents don’t really believe in mental illnesses) so my parents pretty much empowered without realizing it. Recognizing enabling behavior is very important nowadays.
This is SUCH good advice. My son doesn’t have anxiety but I know he can get stressed at times and some of these ways I thought were helping him were actually enabling him. Thanks so much for sharing your experiences as well as how to empower instead of enable. Big help!
Anxiety is difficult but empowerment is so vital to kids to be able to learn to cope
This is so good, wow! It’s encouraging I’m sure for parents that are struggling to know what to do during these times. 🙂
I am so happy to hear how raising children with empowerment leads to successful adults. The ability to identify anxious situations and work through them is the key to living successfully with anxiety.
This is so good. I’m such a “shield” parent (I want to protect my babies from everything), but I 100% know you’re right. Empowering them is SO important. I need to start putting your tips into practice with my two year old. Thank you so much for sharing!
I really struggle not to be a “shield” parent because I just want them to be happy. It has taken a lot of effort to help shift my mindset but when you witness the advantages of empowering, it makes sense!
I love this. I had anxiety growing up, but I didn’t know it until I was in high school, so I don’t feel like I was enabled all that much, and that’s good! I still did things even if they were very nerve-wracking!
-Lauren
http://www.shootingstarsmag.net
Everything you said was right on. Helping your child plan is key! Being able to offer support & teach my son strategies for coping are the reasons he is succeeding as an adult. He knows his own strengthes & weaknesses and can navigate situations so well now. He can also describe what makes him anxious and take steps to lessen it 🙂
As a former elementary teacher who worked with several students diagnosed with anxiety, these suggestions for empowerment are so important! Thanks for your thoughts on this subject.
I am also a former teacher who never received any real training or insight on how to help students with anxiety. I hope to reach more educators who can help more students.