To My (Anxious) Daughter’s Future Boyfriends

You will notice her smile, hear her laughing, and notice how people are drawn to her.  You will feel the tug of something special. You will connect on a superficial level through social media, slowly moving to more personal calls.  Over the next few weeks, you will be drawn to her light, wanting to spend more time with her and getting to know more about her.  And as suddenly as the attraction happened, my daughter will put on the brakes.  Her once bubbly personality becomes reserved.  The willingness to talk about getting together is halted when the event is set to take place.  Hidden in plain sight for the first blissful weeks was the underlying beast of anxiety.

As her feelings intensify and the reality that you are more than a fleeting crush or another friend becomes apparent, her anxiety starts signaling all of the reasons to avoid moving forward.  See, anxiety likes nothing more than to avoid anything that may be new or uncomfortable.  It screams in her ear that change is bad, awkward moments could occur, something bad may happen, or these new feelings are complicated and scary.

While she may only be 15 years old now, and a bit young to start dating, I know the time is coming.  Research shows that 55% of teens experience their first love between the ages of 15-17 years.  She has reached this age in the blink of an eye, and I know that she will be soaring towards adulthood faster than I would like.  Having spent a lifetime battling anxiety and OCD, it is only in the last year and a half that she has begun to take control of the voice that sits too freely on her shoulder.  Up until now, she has had the support of her parents, teachers, and friends by her side to navigate the many challenges that teens face every day.  Unfortunately, as she grows up, she will have to face these obstacles more independently.  Dating, and eventually committing to a loving relationship is something that will bring its own set of challenges.  Not all guys will be prepared to date someone with an anxiety disorder.  But I promise this future boyfriend, her anxiety is a small part of my amazing daughter.  Here is my advice to you, from the person who knows both my daughter and her anxiety best.

Be Patient

If you are short on patience, move on!  Anxiety makes it difficult to step outside of your comfort zone.  Any new person, experiences, or feelings take more time to adjust to, meaning you will need to be patient as she gets comfortable with having you in her life.  Do not expect anything to move quickly, as forming a relationship built on trust is necessary.  As she becomes more comfortable with the newness of everything, her anxiety will fade, and her bubbly personality will shine frequently once again.

She will overthink, overanalyze, and over apologize.  She knows that her anxiety can make her difficult to be around at times, and in turn, can make a relationship challenging.  Make sure she knows that while it can be frustrating, the good far outweighs the bad.  

Understand Anxiety

While most everyone has felt anxious at some point in their life, not everyone experiences daily anxiety that makes it difficult to move forward and live life to its fullest.  Take the time to understand the realness of anxiety, how it affects a person both physically and mentally.  Be willing to ask questions and listen to the answers.  Ask my daughter to share her history with you so that you can learn how truly courageous she is, but also how utterly debilitating and real anxiety is for her.  Nobody would ever choose to experience anxiety or panic attacks.  My daughter is well aware that her anxieties are often irrational but that does not make them any less real.  

Be Her Biggest Supporter

Once you understand anxiety, ask her what you can do to offer support.  Does she just need you to listen?  Is it better to plan ahead rather than be spontaneous?  Be willing to adjust plans at the last minute if needed.  The biggest challenge when supporting someone with anxiety is to find the fine line between offering encouragement and placing pressure on them.  When she feels pressured, she shuts down.  When she feels encouraged, she moves forward.  You do not need to solve or fix any of her problems, just be there as she works through them.

Her anxiety is going to tell her to avoid anything uncomfortable even when she knows that she wants to move forward.  She needs you reminding her she is strong and brave, that she can work through feelings of discomfort, and that you will be there when she is ready.  If she needs time, give her time.  Stay connected and let her work through her issues with you a constant presence in her life until she is ready to move forward.

Don’t Take Things Personally

Anxiety does not always look like nervousness.  It can be anger, selfishness, bossiness, and sadness.  When these moments hit, and you are on the receiving end of those emotions, do not take it personally.  She is not upset with you, rather she is upset with being anxious and is trying to find a way to release the inner turmoil.  This being said, you do not have to sit back and accept that she is treating you in a way that is not kind.  It is ok to remind her that while she may be anxious, you deserve to be treated with kindness and respect.  This can be done in a gentle way, followed by asking what you can do to help.  Sometimes she may want a hug, and other times, she may want to be left alone.  Remember, anxiety is a beast and can take the spirit of a person away for periods of time.  

Do Not Get Taken Advantage Of (By Her Anxiety)

Your wants, needs, and feelings are important too.  Similar to what was said above, be sure to not let the anxiety boss you around.  It is important that you not feel the need to walk around on eggshells.  It is vital that she hear what you want, feel, and need, louder than she hears the anxiety.  Speak loudly from your heart to make sure she hears how important she is to you, how much you care for her, and how hard it is to watch her shut you down when she is anxious.  Without your honesty about your feelings, it is easy for her anxiety to convince her that you are not that important.  She needs to feel that she is safe with you and that you are worth being courageous for.  

Fight for her when you both know there is a connection.  Everything inside of her will tell her to run, even though she really wants it to work.  Anyone who sticks around during the hard times is a keeper.  

You see…she is worth it.  Nobody lives life as bravely as she does.  Nobody can make you laugh until you cannot breathe.  Nobody has less of a filter, keeping you on your toes at all times.  Her hugs are like nothing else.  Your life will never be boring.  We all have our weaknesses and anxiety is hers.  But anxiety also makes her feel more deeply, love stronger, laugh louder, and show courage when others would retreat.  She will always be there for you because she knows what it is like to need support. When you meet my daughter, and you both realize that there is a special connection, ask yourself, are you brave too?