7 Back to School Tips to Help Children and Teens with Anxiety

 

It is still July, meaning there are weeks until the first day of school, yet I lay in bed at night rehearsing how to explain my daughter’s needs to her new teachers.  I think about the elation I will feel when she walks into school without hesitation while also picturing the misery that will occur if her anxiety grips her too hard on that first morning. 

This year, she enters high school.  I chuckle inwardly as I realize that I have had these exact same thoughts for the past 10 years.  Why do I still think that laying in bed, wide awake at 3:00 am will help??? As I take deep breaths, I remind myself that I have done all that I can to support a successful transition for my anxious daughter as she returns to school.  Similarly, my daughter is doing all that she can to prepare herself. It is because of the steps we have taken as a family to support the back to school transition that I am optimistic that this year will continue building on the success of last year.  (Be sure to check out the book Helping Children Manage Anxiety at School for ways to help parents and teachers support anxious children in the classroom.)  

Returning to school after months of less structured routines and more time with family and friends can be a challenge for any kid.  The idea that a best friend may not be in the same class, moving from one building to another, learning to open a locker for the first time, or being wary of the so-called “mean teacher”, all bring new situations that can be uncomfortable.  For children and teens with anxiety, these “typical” worries seem to multiply and expand as the first day of school approaches. These 7 back to school tips will help you support your anxious child in moving towards a successful first day of school.  

Parents, You Must Have a Positive Attitude

No matter the age of your children, they are always looking for your reaction or response to a situation.   Many parents cannot wait for their child to return to school, while others love the freedom that comes with summer vacation, wishing it could last forever.  Regardless of where you fall within the spectrum of parenting during summer vacation, you must show your child the positive aspects of returning to school.  

Our family is unique in that my husband and I are both educators.  Each summer, our little family of four is home together without the restraints of a schedule.  I absolutely love teaching and look forward to the first day of school, but from a parenting persecpective, I really love the lazy days of summer.  For years, I would comment, in front of my children, how sad I was that summer was ending, the dread I felt about having to use an alarm clock to wake up, and the stress that was already returning as I thought of the chaotic days ahead.  These comments were mixed in with the excitement of seeing my friends at work and meeting my new students.

One day it dawned on me that my children, especially my daughter whose anxiety has always been triggered by the school, was hearing me complain about how “awful” it was to return to school each fall.  From that moment, I have been mindful of how I express thoughts and feelings as they tie to school.  

Parents, share your opinions on the positive aspects of returning to school as it relates to your child’s interests.  This does not have to occur during a planned discussion about school, rather comments that fit the situation highlighting the advantages of returning to school.  For example, when your child mentions being bored, lonely, or seeing friends on social media, you can mention how nice it will be to see those friends at school each day.  Similarly, a child who enjoys doing research or completing math problems can be reminded that returning to school offers opportunities for new learning to take place.  

The most important thing to remember is to be careful in the way that you present the end of summer vacation and the return to school  Your children need to see that, while it is sad to say goodbye to summer, there are things to look forward to with the coming year.  

Normalize Anxiety

It is so important that children and teens with anxiety realize that their anxiety towards returning to school is quite normal and to be expected.  Entering a new school year comes with a list of unknowns that can create anxiety in students and teachers.  When anxious children realize that their thoughts and feelings are typical due to the newness of the situation, it can reduce some of their own excessive worries.

I make it a point to share with my own children, through my experience as a teacher, that nearly all children enter the classroom on the first day with a bit of hesitation.  Teachers are also nervous on the first day of school.  Every student and staff member has left the comfortable feeling of the prior school year, where there was a sense of belonging amongst everyone, and now, the process of getting to know one another begins again.

 

Listen to Your Child’s Concerns

It is important to remain positive and optimistic in front of your child, but you must still acknowledge their thoughts and feelings regarding the return to school.  Be a willing listener, allowing your child to express what they need to say. Once they have shared, make sure not to diminish the realness of what they feel. Having said that, it is important to help your child work through these concerns by helping them see the reality of the new school year. 

An anxious child will often have catastrophic thinking. For example, a child worried about their new teacher may believe that their new teacher will be the meanest teacher ever, yelling at every kid, never allowing them to use the bathroom, and so on. Once you listen to their concerns, do your best to help them challenge their thinking.  This helps your child reframe their thinking, with the attempt to create a more realistic, and positive, attitude towards their concerns.

 

Plan for Down Time After School with an Early Bedtime

Whether or not your child has an anxiety disorder, the first weeks of school can be exhausting.  Coming off lazy mornings and less structured routines, children need time to re-acclimate to the long days of being engaged at school.  For a child dealing with anxiety, it can be even more tiring just trying to manage the anxiety and make it through the day.  

Make sure that your child has the opportunity to come home after school and unwind.  Leave the homework and chores for later in the evening, allowing time to relax in a calm, quiet environment. 

It can be difficult saying no to extracurricular activities but downtime is a must after school.  There will be children who gain their confidence and enjoyment from dance, horseback riding, or playing a sport.  Of course, you know your child best and if they need these opportunities, then enroll them. Keep in mind that they must have time to recharge and prepare the following day of school.  

Research continues to show that sleep and mental health are closely connected. Sleep deprivation affects your mental health. Knowing this, it is even more important to ensure that your child or teen with anxiety receive enough sleep each night.  During the summer, bedtimes are often later because children and teens have the ability to sleep in each morning. Once the grind of the school year begins, most schools start well before the typical hour that children naturally wake up.  

The Sleep Foundations recommends that children between the ages of 6-13 sleep for 9-11 hours each night while teens need about 8-10 hours of sleep.  In order to get anywhere near these recommendations, after school activities must be minimal, homework must be completed early, and a relaxing and enjoyable bedtime routine should be in place with clear expectations for going to sleep at a reasonable time.

My children argue frequently as I enforce an “early” bedtime compared to their friends (according to them).  I have seen that my children, especially my daughter, must sleep well in order to successfully manage the school day.  There are areas of life in which I am more flexible but a solid night’s sleep is a topic that I do not allow negotiating or compromise.  

During the summer, our family does not have any type of set bedtime.  We all head to bed when we are tired. However, the week before school begins, I once again, create a set bedtime.  I start with a time that is similar to the time that we have been heading to bed. I begin waking up my children in the morning to ensure that they do not sleep in too late to disrupt going to bed that evening.  Each night, they go to bed 30 minutes earlier than the night before until they hit the ideal bedtime. The two days before school starts, I wake them up and they have to get ready as if they are going to school. Once they are “ready” they have the day ahead of them to enjoy.  

This takes away a bit of the surprise and stress that comes with that first morning of the new school year.  They have had enough sleep prior to this morning and have slowly been preparing for the time-sensitive mornings that school year demands.  

Participate in Open House/Back to School Events

No matter how busy life is or how long your child has attended the same school, it is important that your child or teen attend the open house events prior to the first day.  This is an opportunity to walk the halls of school again after being away for months, catch up with staff and peers, and visit the new classrooms while seeing who will be in their class and teaching their classes.  It makes the new school year a reality but also reminds the child that they are familiar with the school even though it is a new year. (If your child is starting a new school, this is an opportunity to remind him or her that even though the building and people are new, the idea and feel of school are similar to their previous experiences.)

If your child is really struggling, it would be best to attend these events towards the end of the time period.  This is typically when fewer people are there and the teachers will have more time to give you and your child. Make sure that children visit all of their classrooms, elective locations, locker/cubby, cafeteria, and even the bathrooms.  This can ease the unknowns of the first day of school.  

This is not the time to spend a long period of uninterrupted time with staff members discussing your child.  If you feel you need to meet with new teachers to inform them about your concerns, plan a meeting well in advance.  Open house/back to school nights are overwhelming for teachers as they try to meet ever child, unable to give undivided attention to just one family.  Also, it is important that your child not hear you discuss your concerns. This amps up their anxiety as it seems to “validate” their fears.  

 

Break the New School Year into Chunks

This can be hugely successful for many children.  For us, school starts on a Thursday. When we begin talking about the new school year, I focus on discussing just the first two days rather than the entire year.  I hype the excitement of only going for two days then you are right back to a weekend. This makes it less overwhelming.

Another way to chunk school is to focus on even smaller parts, such as before and after lunch.  Suggest to your child that he or she focus on being brave and managing their anxiety until lunchtime. For many children and teens, even those with an early lunchtime, they seem to relax during and after lunch as it feels like the day is “half over” once lunch has occurred.  They seem to be able to see the end is in sight. For both my daughter and students who I have had in class, the afternoons tend to be much more relaxed for anxious students. Help your child think through the first few hours of school, then offer to have them meet with someone at school to re-evaluate their afternoon.  Often, a child will be able to manage the afternoon without help once making it through the morning with your encouragement.  

 

Makes Compromises Whenever Possible

Compromises can be tricky.  Maybe I should call it “pick your battles when possible”.  This concept will vary greatly based on your child and your family situation.  My daughter HATES the idea of riding the bus to or from school. She has done it but prefers not to.  Thankfully, as a family, we are able to take her to school and pick her up. While it would be easier for everyone if she rode the bus, we are willing to remove this stressful event from her life in order to make the school day more successful for her.  As the year gets underway, and her anxiety lessens, we can slowly work her into riding the bus home each day.  

The idea here is to find ways to take away some of the anxiety triggers whenever possible, in the beginning, so that the child or teen can focus on managing their anxiety that occurs just being at school.  Some other areas that may help children in the beginning: packing a lunch rather than buying a school lunch, eating in a smaller room than the cafeteria with classmates for the first few days, or taking a few scheduled breaks throughout the day.  It is really important that you know your child. These are only useful if you know that your child will become comfortable and move into the typical daily routine within a few days of knowing the teacher and classmates. If your child will use the “compromises” as crutches and have a difficult time allowing the removal of these assistances, then do not use these ideas. 

I wish each of your children the best start to the new year.  And parents, do your best to breathe and be positive.  It is heartbreaking to see our children struggle, but we have to let them learn to manage their worries and see that they are brave enough to do what needs to be done!  Share your best back to school tips with us in the comments section below!