10 Things I Wish I Knew Earlier About How to Help a Child With Anxiety
As a parent, we often find ourselves thinking of the “what ifs” that could happen. We mentally prepare for possible events that could occur to our children over the course of their life…even before they are born. The thought that my child may have mental health issues never crossed my mind. Therefore, I was completely lost when I began navigating what would become an all too familiar world. I stumbled through these past few years learning how to help a child with anxiety.
These 10 areas are significant areas to understand when thinking of how to help a child with anxiety. By preparing yourself for the reality of dealing with anxiety from day one, you set your child, and your family, up for more success.
Think of Mental Illness as You Would Any Other Illness
Mental illness is a REAL illness. Your child is sick, although the level of severity will vary greatly from one child to the next. You would not think twice about cost, distance, missing work, etc if your child was diagnosed with cancer, diabetes, autism, etc. Do not think for one minute that mental health is any less important. Mental health has a “weakness” and “not real” attitude attached to it. People will judge and offer advice when they are not aware of the realness of the situation. Grow a thick skin and believe in yourself as the parent.
When your child complains of physical symptoms of anxiety like an upset stomach, headache, or fatigue, they are truly experiencing those feelings. Children who complain about unrealistic thoughts view these thoughts as real. High quality, research-based anxiety treatment will give you and your child the tools to manage and cope with anxiety.
Take Care of Yourself
You should get yourself involved with a counselor as soon as possible to help you handle the life you are now living. I waited way too long for this because I could never justify paying for therapy for myself. I still cannot afford it but my mental health is more important than money (most of the time). Family counseling is also great if you have other children impacted by mental health in the family. Often siblings feel lost and confused with what is happening around them.
You need to find a way to make time for self-care, even when that seems impossible. Scheduling just 10 minutes a day for you gives you the strength and motivation to move forward in caring for your child. Many people add this time of self-care to their schedules along with therapy appointments and after-school activities. This reminds you that you are just as important as your children.
Have an Open Mind
Do not refuse the idea of medication or therapy without getting educated. Medication can and does offer great relief. On the flip side, do not agree to medication until you do your own research and ask questions. Every child reacts differently to medications, so what works for one child may not work for yours.
Therapy is the most effective treatment option for anxiety. The trick is finding the right type of therapy for your child. Do your research, ask questions, and try a few therapists before making a decision on the right option for your child. Getting help is not a weakness. You are providing what your child needs in order to reduce anxiety.
Think outside the box and be creative when finding ways to treat your child’s anxiety. I have found that self-help books offer a starting point for parenting an anxious child, but seldom fit the needs of my family. Take the knowledge you receive and make it work for you. Do your best not to be embarrassed or compare yourself to others. You must do what works best for your child in treating anxiety.
Your Career May Suffer
Be prepared for your career to suffer. We all know that no parent can do it all or find the right balance. This is especially true for working parents. There are so many appointments and they never happen after work hours. For children who are able to attend school with little difficulty, parents should not be impacted while at work. However, for children with intense anxiety that leads to school refusal, parents will find it very difficult to work.
Getting your anxious child to school each morning can be an intense battle that causes you to be late for work. Additionally, once your child arrives at school, be prepared for the school to reach out to throughout the day because your child’s anxiety is impacting their behaviors. These reasons support the need to find ways to help your child with anxiety early on in the hopes of avoiding these severe reactions to anxiety down the road.
Treatment is Expensive and Difficult to Find
You will go broke unless you are one of the few people who are truly rich, meaning you have thousands of dollars just sitting around. Just like any other medical issue, the cost to see doctors and therapists is outrageous. Treatment programs are often located in hospitals and can last several weeks. In many cases, therapists do not want to deal with insurance, therefore you are left paying out of pocket. From my experience, if you are middle class, there is no monetary help available to cover these costs. Be prepared to deal with the stress of never having enough money.
With that being said, treatment for anxiety is a must if it interferes with daily life. Anxiety spirals quickly, making it essential to get help for your anxious child as soon as possible. Begin searching for a therapist who specializes in child anxiety. If your child is dealing with severe anxiety, reach out to child psychiatrists for more rigorous treatment options such as medication or intense therapy. These professionals have the knowledge and experience of how to help a child with anxiety.
Get Ready to Fight
Get ready to fight for your child’s rights as they pertain to education. Mental health is a strong reason to get your child on an IEP or a 504 at school. Many schools have the best of intentions in helping kids but are completely lost on how to help kids with mental health disorders. Each kid is so unique in their needs and their needs can change frequently.
Dealing with anxiety at school is a team effort between school staff, parents, therapists, and medical professionals, when necessary. As a parent, you must do your research on the best ways to help a child with anxiety at school. Present these ideas to your child’s school, working together to create a plan with the intention of helping your child manage and cope with anxiety during the school day.
Surround Yourself with the Right People
Get a network of support around you of people who will not judge or offer advice (unless requested). It can be difficult to spend time with friends and family who do not understand what you are going through. Similarly, it can be heartbreaking to spend time with other parents of children who are not anxious. You find yourself feeling jealous of the ease at which their child enjoys life.
Find other parents who may be dealing with similar issues. It is amazing the relief you will find in seeing that you are not alone and that other families are struggling with similar situations. Look for support groups in your area. Often these groups meet at local coffee shops or libraries. Also, there are several groups on Facebook dealing with child anxiety. There is mental relief in hearing others talk about situations in which you can relate.
Practice Gratitude
When life feels like it is spiraling out of control and you have moments of hopelessness, take a few minutes to find something to be grateful for. There were times I honestly thought I had nothing positive in my life but being mindful of small moments helped me notice that small moments of happiness were still around me.
Every child suffering from anxiety has many great qualities, although often hidden by anxiety. Find these qualities and do all that you can to pull them out whenever possible. Celebrate small moments, minor successes, and the incredible effort it takes to overcome anxiety.
Find the Right Therapist for Your Family
You must find a therapist that you and your child connect with. It takes trial and error, time, and money but in order to see progress, you must feel comfortable opening up to this person and believe in what they say. Each therapist has an area of specialization, such as divorce, trauma, eating disorders, phobias, GAD; find the one that is right for your child.
Different approaches and treatments are also available depending on the therapists. Options are play therapy, family counseling, Cognitive Behavior Therapy (CBT), Exposure Response Training (ERT), and many more.
Share Your Story
Being open and honest with the world about your family’s story helps educate others about how to help a child with anxiety. It puts a face to daily challenges brought on by anxiety. Never be embarrassed to speak up and reach out. Together we can help end the stigma that anxiety is poor behavior, a weakness, or something to be ashamed of. Comment below to share your struggles or successes with others.
Lastly, parents, it is not your job to “fix” your child. I struggled with this mentality for far too long. We cannot “fix” or cure anxiety, which is a hard concept to realize. We can offer all of the support, resources, and love that our child needs to overcome anxiety on their path to leading a happy, successful life.
I so wish that I could have found a blog such as yours 8 years ago when our personal hell began. My youngest child, my daughter T, had a complete nervous breakdown at the age of 13. It was a sudden and very dramatic onset to her mental illness – diagnosed then as now – as Major Depression and Generalized Anxiety Disorder. As each of those are spectrum illnesses in their own right, my daughter was found to be on the more extreme ends of both of these horrendous disorders. As such, she was later also diagnosed with PTSD, having suffered the loss of much of her memory of that first, almost unbearable year, and much of the second as well. I consider this to be a blessing in some ways, because full recall of those memories would be entirely too painful for her. I scarcely discuss this with anyone, as I am aware of how often I sound as if I’m exaggerating. I’m not. You too have traveled / are traveling this road, and so you know the truth. As her mother, I felt as if I’d been hit by a freight train. I did not see it coming and I was thoroughly overwhelmed with shock and grief and despair, and I was desperate for help. Getting through each day was such a trial, and such a miracle in itself, that the first two years are one big, sad and devastating blur to me to this day. When I think back, I sometimes honestly don’t know how I survived it. I have PTSD from the whole experience myself, though I am recovering well, especially this many years on. T is now 21 years old. Let me give people some hope. She is doing so much better. She is on meds, she has a great psychiatrist and therapist, and she is committed to her own recovery and works hard at it. She is able to enjoy life. (Cue angels singing) To others this may not look remarkable. (Why isn’t she working a steady, paying job? Why isn’t she in college? etc etc) But it *is* remarkable. She is trying her best, because she loves her life and she wants to live it well. She still lives with us, she still needs me to prepare a few meals a week for her, she still needs me to drive her everywhere (she has a valid license but is too anxious to drive anywhere but on our street), she still has “down” days with difficulty getting out of bed. But, she attends a school for acting, has major roles in two plays, has a manager, goes on industry auditions, and is part of a production company she helped found. She has written a short film. She is in an amazing relationship (and my standards for her are just as high as for her siblings), which is very healthy, stable, and promising, almost one year in. And she is the joy of my life. If you are like we were, and your child has become unrecognizable to you, please know that they are still in there. My daughter came back to me and your child can too. As we all know, we cannot “fix” this – our struggles persist, and they are real – but there is so much light ahead. I know that now, and I hope to impart that to anyone who is where we were eight years ago.
I cried as I read this. It is so familiar! I was at a counseling appointment for me today, helping me handle the trauma of the past few years. I have accepted that unless you have lived this, you will never understand and always think the parent is exaggerating. I am so happy that your daughter is doing well. It inspires everyone to hear the success that can be had in spite of anxiety. Thank you so much for sharing your story. We need the world to hear that mental health is real and it is serious! I wish you and your family the best of luck in the future. I hope your daughter knows what a wonderful mother she has!
Collen, have you ever tried to do an elimination diet, to see if she doesn’t react to certain foods (aka an AIP Paleo diet, such as can be found on PaleoMom.com, a website by Dr. Sarah Ballantyne?). You could also look up the excellent functional nutritionist Julie Matthews online (she works a lot with children with autism, but there’s a lot of info about how diet can effect the mood and behavior of children. ADHD is even somewhat related to Autism). I wish I had known this information when my daughter was suffering with severe separation anxiety, way back when. Further, you could also look up the functional nutritionist Trudy Scott. She has an excellent website, that has a lot of anxiety related information (she has experienced it herself). In addition you could look at Dr. Datis Kharazian, or Dr. Tom O’Bryan’s website. Some of theses doctors wrote books as well. Trudy Scoot, has an a four part Anxiety Summit, that ran online sometime ago (I own all of these summits. She interviews a lot of different experts, and the information is mind blowing). You might also want to check your daughters thyroid. Conditions such as hyperthyroid or Grave Disease can trigger terrible anxiety (even Hashimoto’s can, but that is a longer story….). Best of luck!
Thank you for the information. I will be checking out the sites you mentioned for more information. We have tried bits and pieces of controlling her diet. I definitely believe that nutrition and food intake has a profound effect on mood and health. In my daughter’s case, nutrition alone is not enough to control the anxiety but healthier foods and an active lifestyle have a positive impact overall. She has had blood work and nothing abnormal has shown up.
Thankyou for sharing your story. I’ve shared part of it on my Instagram. Reading about your daughter was like reading about my 11 year old son. It’s tough but just knowing that I’m not alone helps. Rebekah x
Thank you for reaching out. It makes a world of difference to know that you are not alone. I am so glad that this site connected with you, and hopefully provides some relief to you and your son.
I think taking care of yourself is the most important thing you can do for your kids! When Mama’s our of sorts, how can you have patience to help your child with their struggles? If you’re constantly stressed, it’s going to add to their anxiety. It’s so hard for us to really wrap our minds around this, but we need to! Even if it means waking up early or staying up late, to have some time to yourself to relax and be refreshed, do it! This is definitely the best tip!
You are right! I am sad it took me so long to see the value in self-care. It really has made a positive impact on my personal mental health and my parenting.
This should be a prerequisite to parenting — understanding and accepting that mental illness might be part of the package deal! I wish my parents had read this when I was a youngin’. As it stands, I was anxious but didn’t know to call it anxiety until I went to a therapist in my early 20s and was diagnosed with generalized anxiety disorder. The possibility of passing it (among other things) on is one of the reasons my husband and I chose to remain childfree.
I did not know that I had anxiety as a child until I started learning about it due to my daughter’s mental health issues. Had I known more about anxiety, I would have gone into parenting differently and I would have been better equipped as a mother when we saw these signs in my daughter. It makes me sad knowing how much time was lost early on simply from not knowing.
Hi Colleen,
What you said in your post is SO true. I have GAD (Generalize Anxiety Disorder) and I never thought that that would be something I would have to deal with with my young daughter. It is very important to take care of yourself in order to be 100% there for your kids, whether they have anxiety or not!
I never thought about this for my child. Had I know early on what to look for and where to go for help, we would not have wasted so many years. The silver lining is that I can now educate others and be a source that wasn’t available for me.
You are so right, mental health is just as important as any other health issue. I love that you talk so openly and honestly about it – bringing awareness to this topic could help so many people. It must be so hard to watch your kid go through that. I have 2 toddlers at home so I haven’t had any experience watching them go through something mentally – but I know one day it will come. I admire your strength!
Thank you for the words of support!
So glad once there is hope there is a way1
Thanks for sharing this! As someone who was diagnosed with anxiety as a child, I remember how hard it was on my parents as well. It is definitely not an easy change, but there are ways to work through it!
I am happy to hear you that you had supportive parents and that there is hope!
Thank you for being so vulnerable and honest. This can be such a hard issue to work through.
It is hard to work through but being open lessens the negative stigma.
Great advice! It’s sounds like a lot to deal with! You’re doing an amazing job!
Thank you!
As a child who grew up with anxiety, and as a new mother now.. This is invaluable! It’s so difficult on both sides. Wonderful post!
Thank you. Sometimes I ask myself why my daughter has anxiety when I struggle with it myself…it is like a double whammy! But, then I realize that I have the most perfect daughter for me and the anxiety is just what it is!
This is so important. I have gone through some anxiety in my motherhood journey and these are for sure the things that help bring you back down to earth.
I think we have all had our ups and downs through motherhood. It is important that we take care of ourselves during our journey.
What a great and honest post. Thank you for sharing your story and offering much needed advice to parents and families dealing with similar situations. The more we talk about these issues and the impact they have on families, the more people will be able to face them honestly and bravely.
Thank you. I hope one day there is never a negative stigma or weakness associated with any struggle a person faces.
Everyone suffers from anxiety at some point in their lives. Some don’t like change. Always good to share, learn and get help.
You are right. We all have anxiety…and must know how to handle that anxiety.
I really loved this. I have anxiety, but I’ve never thought about it from a parent’s perspective before.
I am sorry you have to deal with anxiety. I also have it, but it really is a whole other level when your child deals with it daily.
Very interesting. I have been wondering if one of mine has anxiety. This has been helpful.
Thank you. I hope you are able to help your child handle whatever challenges arise!
thanks colleen. I am a mom of a teen with ADHD. All the things you state are so true. Sharing this article on facebook too.
Thank you for your support. I hope it reaches someone who is just starting on the journey!
Thank you for sharing, luckily, my kids did not have anxiety issues growing up. However, as I have gotten older, I have. It is a daily struggle!! Thank you so much for your honesty!
Colleen, what you state in this post is so true! As a new mother, I think we give more thought to the physical health of the baby and not to the mental health outcomes. If you are lucky enough to find a good therapist, it drains you in every way possible. You bring up some valid points. Thank you for sharing!