The Role of Parental Anxiety in Anxious Children

It has taken me the better part of 6 months to sort through a complex mess that was stirring in my brain.  My daughter’s anxiety has improved so dramatically with the therapy she has received since April 2018. One year ago, she was in a constant state of anxiety during all waking hours.  She was unable to attend school, leave the house, and spent her time at home following me around wringing her hands and crying. There are no words to describe the utter despair and helplessness I felt when I saw her like this.  Today, her anxiety is minimal and she is back to laughing often. I had a deep desire to understand the “why” behind her success in managing anxiety after so many failures or “band-aids” over the previous 5 years. One key difference I kept returning to was the role of parental anxiety in her treatment.

Aha…The Key to Success is Understanding the Role of Parental Anxiety

As my daughter improved, and I found a bit more time to focus on “me”, I began digging deeper into anxiety treatment.  The library became a familiar scene as I checked out nearly 20 books on child anxiety. Nearly every book repeated the same information provided in a slightly different way.  The information was nearly identical to what we had experienced through hospitalization programs and outside therapy. While the information was helpful, applicable, and relevant, it was missing the piece that tied everything together…the piece that leads to long term success.  Then I found the book, “Anxious Kids, Anxious Parents” by Reid Wilson and Lynn Lyons, and I knew I found the missing piece.

After reading Lynn Lyons books, I enrolled in her 25-hour Certificate Course for Child Anxiety.   A light when off inside my mind as I progressed through the intense class.  I realized the key to my daughter’s successful anxiety management was the role that my husband and I played in her treatment over the past year.  Understanding parental anxiety is the key to your child’s long term success in managing and overcoming anxiety. Oddly enough, within days of making this conclusion, I read an article from NPR, “For Kids with Anxiety, Parents Learn to Let Them Face Their Fears“, full of research supporting what I had just discovered.  

I am angry that it took me years to find a therapist that prioritized my role in my daughter’s treatment.  It is my hope that by sharing our success story, along with current research, other families with anxious children, will seek treatment that focuses on their role as a parent.  

But, I Just Want My Kids to Be Happy…Why Is That a Bad Thing?

Today’s parents want a plan for parenting rather than allowing children to fall and learn.  It seems advantageous for parents to pave the path for their child rather than allow them to follow a bumpier road navigated more independently.  Unfortunately, the smooth path created by parents is doing more harm than good.

Parents, you are wired to keep your child safe, striving to keep them happy.  Children are our greatest gifts. When they are sad or hurting, most parents will do nearly anything to ease that burden.  How often have you swooped in when your child is scared at bedtime and let them sleep in your bed? Or called the school and asked that your child be exempted from an assignment that is causing high levels of stress?  Think of the way that you explained strangers to your child…was it quick and factual or did you invoke a sense of fear? Do you let your child gain independence on the playground by climbing high even if they may fall?  

Parents have a huge impact on the anxiety levels of their child.  Children are always watching and listening to see how their parents respond or react as a gage for their fear levels. If you, like me and many other parents, swoop in too often as a way to keep your child safe physically and emotionally, you may be modeling parental anxiety.  You want your child to feel safe and secure in an already chaotic world. Unbeknownst to you, this kindness and love, is actually a disadvantage to your child, especially if your child struggles with anxiety.

 The world seems scarier than ever.  Research shows that 65 % of children with anxiety have parents who are also anxious.  This makes sense. Children, who are predispositioned to have more sensitivities, are learning to be anxious and fearful rather than confident problem solvers.  

Parental Anxiety Reinforces a Child’s Anxiety Cycle

If a child is shown that their anxious thoughts and feelings are reinforced by their parent’s support of avoidance and reassurance, the child hears that the parent does not believe that they can handle a difficult situation.  This leads to the anxiety cycle described in “Explaining Anxiety to a Child”.

Currently, the recommended treatment for anxiety is Cognitive Behavior Therapy, therapy where negative patterns of thoughts and feelings are challenged in order to retrain the brain’s reactions.  Traditionally, CBT focused on the child with anxiety, which is helpful. However, it has been found that parents must also participate in CBT to truly affect the anxiety levels of their child. Parents need the support and coaching offered through CBT in order to help their child.  

Using Cognitive Behavior Therapy for the Child AND the Parents

CBT asks children to challenge the anxious thoughts or feelings caused by anxiety.  It can feel awkward and uncomfortable to challenge these thoughts. Too often, parents jump in and rescue their child through the CBT process due to their lack of understanding and their own anxiety.  Parents can have a difficult time handling the exposures and tasks that are required for a child to successfully complete CBT.  A parent may compromise the validity and consistency of a structured CBT program due to their anxieties.   

Knowing this, families should seek a therapist or program that encourage parents to be an integral part of the CBT process.  Therapy sessions should focus on teaching both the child and the parent how to understand and challenge the anxious thoughts, as they relate to the child AND the parent.  For parents with anxiety, it is important that they have the support of the therapist, to help them work through their own difficulties of supporting their child.  It is very emotional for a parent to see their child hurting, yet you have to continue pushing them to move through the discomfort.  

Recognizing Parental Anxiety Lead to Success

Everything changed for our family when we understood the role of parental anxiety.  The ability to support my daughter with validity through the therapy process was the key to my daughter’s success.  Additionally, I understood the effect my thoughts and actions had on her.   I became aware of the way in which I presented my own anxieties and discomforts to my children.  I am now able to use the CBT skills learned in therapy to manage both my anxieties and support my daughter when her anxieties arise. 

The skills learned also apply to the way in which I speak to my children about situations that happen in the world.  While the world may feel scary and chaotic, it is my job to show that, while I am in not in control of what is happening around me, I am in control of how I react to everyday life.  I have the ability to handle discomfort and uncertainty with confidence and independence, which is exactly the skills I want my children to see learn from me.  They see my belief in their abilities, in turn, they begin to trust themselves.  What a great gift to share with our children!