Truths About Parenting an Anxious Child

I am ashamed to admit this, but I used to be embarrassed by my daughter’s behavior.  She behaved differently than other kids… acting out, showing defiance, crying, clinging, refusing to interact with others…and so on.  We would meet friends at the park and she would sit next to me and cry while other kids ran around and played.

At school, teachers would have to pull her off of me while I attempted to head off to work.  There is no doubt that other parents were talking about us when we left the room.  Did teachers think we were awful parents? I was embarrassed that people thought I was a bad mom and that my actions led to my daughter’s behavior.  I wished I had realized I was parenting an anxious child. 

Finally, when we started treatment for my daughter’s severe anxiety, and I was educated, I realized that my daughter had an illness.  Her behaviors and actions were not a result of our parenting or a result of her choices. Once I gained an understanding of what my daughter was dealing with, I started to get angry at people around me for being so naive, for making assumptions about my daughter and our family.  Suddenly, I realized how unrealistic it was for other people to have a true sense of what was happening if I didn’t even realize what was happening until we got help.

This is the reality of parenting an anxious child.  I hope you take away the realness of our situation and the harmful effects left behind with unsupportive comments and assumptions.  

 

• Anxiety makes my daughter say and do things that are not really her.  She is the sweetest, kindest girl but she lashes out and will go to great lengths to leave an anxious situation.  When the anxiety lessons, she feels immense guilt and embarrassment over the way she acted.

 

• Anxiety is real.  My daughter is not a brat.  She does not run away and avoid situations to take it easy, she does it as a survival mechanism.

 

• I cannot force my child to do anything during a panic attack.  She has no rational thought occurring in those moments, rendering her unable to focus and follow directions.

 

• There is nothing that can be done to make her “typical”.  She will always be a highly anxious child/person and will have always have to work extra hard to manage her demons.  This will become a strength of hers as she grows up.  

 

• It is not her fault nor our fault as parents that she has anxiety.  It is part of who she is and a part of who she always will be.

 

• She works harder every day than most people, making her a warrior.  Everything she does takes immense effort and many days she is exhausted from battling her anxiety.

 

• She is very smart but struggles to learn at school because she puts so much energy into fighting anxiety.  

 

• Her anxiety is not a result of bad parenting.  We have tried everything to make life better for our daughter and will continue to do everything we can for her.

 

• Yes, there are times she can appear “typical” or anxiety free.  This does not mean that she no longer has anxiety. It means that she is not triggered because she feels safe at that moment.

 

• Telling me that “you don’t know how I do it” doesn’t help.  I have to do it. I wish it wasn’t my life.

 

• Trying to “fix” my daughter is unreasonable.  You shouldn’t either. This is who she is and her weaknesses come with many strengths.  Her ability to problem solve and handle discomfort will serve her well.

 

• My daughter uses fidgets out of necessity.  She is not a baby or childish.   Her excess energy has to go somewhere.

 

• Our battles have shown us the importance of being judgment free to others.  I lift others up whenever possible, spread kindness and support, and refuse to judge since I have not walked in anyone else’s shoes.

 

• I am not a helicopter (or a lawnmower) mom by choice.  It is a necessity in order to help manage school and home in order to help her get through each day.  The world is not friendly to anxious people. I do what I can to allow her to be a kid as often as possible.

 

• I know everyone experiences anxiety at times and trust me, if I could tell her to “get over it, you’re fine”, and it worked, I would have done that a long time ago.

 

• Please tell your child to be patient with her.  Even if she has declined other social invitations, do not stop inviting her.  She may say yes sometime.  She desperately wants to spend time with friends.  

 

• Appreciate each and every moment that your child walks into school, participates in a sporting event, sings with the choir, or hangs out with friends.  I want that more than anything for my daughter but I have to watch other children smile and see their parent’s pride and joy all over social media. Be thankful for what seems ordinary.

 

• I love with a fierceness that I didn’t t know existed.  My husband’s love and support make my selfless tasks as a mother possible.  The strength my children provide is immeasurable. It has taken great adversity to make me realize the power and depth of unconditional love.

 

• Just because I look like my life is perfect due to the smile plastered on my face or the pictures posted on Facebook, life is far from perfect.  I refuse to walk around seeking pity or complaining. This is my life and it is the absolute best it can be given our circumstances.

 

• We never have enough money.  Mental health treatment (like most medical care) costs a fortune.  We put every extra dime into high-quality care, making immense sacrifices every day.  

 

• Our future is uncertain.  I think positive but I know that her path may not be the same as her peers and that is ok.  Stop assuming that every child is going to college. She is going to do something amazing!

 

• She may be labeled as “highly anxious” but that is not who she is.

 

• I worry all of the time.  I worry about her day at school, will she ever have a close-knit group of friends, will she find a passion or hobby, how will I pay for the next medical expense, what does her future look like, and so on!

 

• Immense guilt is always hovering nearby.  Did I saw the wrong thing and make things worse?  When I work, I am not giving her all that I can. When I don’t work, our family suffers financially.  Why didn’t we get help earlier? Why didn’t I see that coming? Am I spending enough time with my son?  Does he think we love our daughter more?

 

• I am physically, mentally, and emotionally exhausted ALL of the time from the never-ending strain.  My mind never stops…always walking on eggshells and waiting for the next hurdle.  

 

• I am jealous of typical kids and the ease of which they live life.  I wish my daughter was going to Starbucks or participating in the track meet.

 

• Adult friendships are difficult for me.  Nobody understands my life. I get tired of canceling plans because I cannot leave the house.  It is hard to hear about all of the great accomplishments of your children (although I honestly love hearing about your children’s success… I just get jealous).  This is something I am working on every day.

 

• Trying to get help at school is not something I want to be doing but I must.  During an IEP meeting, I would rather be anywhere but sitting there listening to how my daughter is having such a hard time.  The accommodations for my daughter are necessary for her success.

 

• Our family will often bail on plans.  Activities and events sound great ahead of time, but do not always work out at the moment.  I am truly sorry to cancel on you, but I have to pick my battles.

 

• Given all that we have been through, we have learned to celebrate the small successes and achievements rather than waiting for big moments.  I encourage everyone to find the small moments that make life amazing.

I wish that this was not my parenting journey, but we have found a way to survive and find joy.   Few will understand our life, but I do expect compassion, respect, and kindness.   For those who do understand, thank you, and you are not alone.