The Sad Reason I Never Apply Mascara Before School Drop Off
Insight into one mother’s daily task of school drop off with her highly anxious kid.
My mind is awake long before the alarm chimes. I am far from prepared to face another day, impending doom already settling in. I know I must wake my daughter right away in order for her to make it to school on time and for me to make it work on time, but I know as soon as she wakes up, the cyclical battles will begin again. Slowly, I walk to her door, stalling along the way, allowing myself just a few more minutes of peace. I quietly creep into her room and tears flood my eyes as I see her angelic face, peacefully asleep. Just as I know the day looms in front of me, her sense of peace and calm will be wiped away as quickly as her eyes blink open. For a moment, I stare at her beautiful silhouette, reminding myself how lucky I am to be her mom. She is the sweetest, kindest, funniest person. Sadly, most days her strengths are hidden behind the mask of mental illness.
My daughter has debilitating anxiety. From the moment she wakes up until the moment she falls asleep, her mind and body battle the beast of anxiety. This has been her life for the past 8 years, unable to remember what it felt like to live free of anxiety. As with most mental health issues, the intensity of her anxiety ebbs and flows over time. For most children, getting ready for the day may not be enjoyable but it happens routinely. In our family, there are tears, tantrums, screaming, begging, and fierce battles all before we leave the house at 8:00 am. When she was 7 years old, we were able to manage morning routines with slightly more success. Now, at 12 years old, mornings are all out hell.
While your child may groggily walk to the kitchen to prepare a bowl of cereal, my daughter cries and begs not to go to school while she eats her breakfast. While your child lazily gets themselves dressed and styled for the day, my daughter cries and yells from the bedroom that nothing fits or the material feels weird. Clothes get put on and pulled off so many times that I lose count. While your child styles their hair or applies makeup, my daughter sees nothing but sadness in the mirror, refusing to put forth the effort to improve her sullen appearance. Most days, the anxiety takes over as we prepare to walk out the door, leading to begging and pleading to stay home. Nothing I say or do reduces the immense beast from clinging to her every thought.
This chaos is taking place while my husband and I are attempting to prepare ourselves for the workday. Our senses no longer enjoy the smell of freshly brewed coffee or the sound of the morning news. Instead, sadness, crying, and frustration engulf our senses. My husband and I work jobs demanding that we arrive on time, prepared for the day ahead. He, a high school administrator, me, a teacher. Our ten-year-old son also prepares for the day. I walk a tightrope of balance between recognizing that my daughter’s challenges are real while trying to shelter him from the hideous routine our family faces each morning. I plaster on a smile when talking with him, encourage him to get ready in our bathroom in order to avoid the meltdowns of his older sister, and I close the door of the guest room, allowing him time on his video games before school, simply to offer him some respite from the noise.
Once we are finally in the car, on days we convince my daughter to get in the car and head to school, I know that our battles are far from over. Arriving at school just ups the anxiety as she knows she is expected to leave the car and enter school. Having held myself together for the past one and a half hours, the tears now start to fall. Sadly, I have learned to never apply my makeup prior to dropping my daughter off at school. I now apply it in the parking lot of work once my tears have stopped (for the moment). As the time ticks quickly away for my workday to begin, I do all that I can to help calm my daughter’s mounting fears about the school day. Some days, she meets a teacher and walks in immediately, while other days I spend 20 minutes in the drop off loop, while still others, I have to call my husband for reinforcement and support so that I can make it to work before the students arrive.
Two hours after I wake up, I am safely at work. I know that this is just one hurdle I have managed to stumble through during my day. There will be more. My phone will blow up with messages from both my daughter and her school, expressing either her anxiety or asking what they should do in certain situations. Evenings may be a bit more relaxed than the morning but there will be blowups and meltdowns as the stress of the school day wanes and the fear of tomorrow rises. We will walk around our home on eggshells waiting for the anxiety to erupt. I will crawl into bed, exhausted mentally, emotionally, and physically, knowing I will wake up in 8 hours and do the whole thing over again.
This is the life of a mother of a child with debilitating anxiety leading to school refusal. Yes, we are actively helping our daughter. Yes, she sees a therapist and psychiatrist regularly. No, our daughter is not a brat, spoiled, or definite. She is ill. She has anxiety. Trust me, I wish I could simply say, “Calm down. You are fine. Go to school.” It doesn’t work like that. Fortunately, my daughter’s school finally sees our reality and is actively working to ease her transition into school. After years of searching, we have found an incredible therapist. Everyone reading this with a child who wakes for the day, prepares themselves to head off to school, and leaves the house with little resistance, do not take the simplicity of your morning task lightly. Some of us may never know the ease of which you are blessed.
Just a little thing that helped my former school refuser cope with that anxious drive to school. We adopted a kitten that he cuddles in the car on the way. Totally stopped his panic that would get worse the closer we got to school. I know it’s not pheasable for most, but it was one of our biggest change inducers. Obviously need a pet that enjoys being in the car.
I love hearing this. I am a huge cat person and my cat provides comfort but I cannot imagine the anxiety I would get from riding in the car with him! I will share this with other parents. Thank you.
Hi. I am sad to hear that your sweet daughter struggles with this. I understand the impact it has on you, your work, and the family. I cannot know it like you know it, though. Chronic illnesses are hard to live with. With the best of intentions, may I please suggest you read about P.O.T.S.? Mornings are the most difficult. Really, really difficult. POTS is not uncommon, but it’s not yet widely known. It’s a neurological condition which causes or triggers several seemingly unconnected symptoms (mental and physical), anxiety being one. The tachycardia and adrenaline surges can trigger anxiety, among other things. Sometimes severe and chronic. Anxiety doesn’t cause it or stand apart from it, but this is often misunderstood. Fatigue and brain fog are other symptoms. Other conditions often occur in tangent with POTS. She said clothes sometimes don’t feel right. There could be a physical reason why she has this tactile experience. Stanford University Med Center, the Mayo Clinics and Vanderbilt University are the leading providers. UCLA, the Cleveland Clinic, and other places are lesser known. Treatments vary, but key to abating symptoms are increased hydration, increased salt, exercise, and sometimes compression sox. Some patients need meds, but not all. Because there may be a few very different things going on at once, seemingly unconnected, most providers don’t know to look for a single underlying cause. The last thing I’ll mention is that based on her anxiety alone,your daughter qualifies for a 504 Plan, maybe an IEP. These are powerful tools in supporting her and her learning. They have teeth and schools must provide and accommodate. I wish you all the best. Dysautonomiainternational.org and Standinguptopots.org have good information.
Thank you for sharing your information. I will take what you recommended and gather more information. As for the 504/IEP, my daughter has one in place and it helps her quite well.
I just found this via Red Tricycle. Thanks for writing this and the efforts you are making to help others. It is soooo draining and very isolating as well. I am excited to read through your site now that I have found you. 🙂
You are welcome. It is exhausting and isolating. I created this site as a way to help ease the “isolation” simply by knowing that others are going through very similar situations. I hope you find some valuable resources.
I know this is a bit older of a post, but I just stumbled upon it and wanted to say that reading this hit close to home. Not that I can relate to your experiences, but rather your daughters. I’ve had debilitating anxiety since I was very young. I went through similar struggles of crying every morning before school, begging to not have to go, even faking sicknesses in order to be able to stay home. I hate reading that your daughter is going through the same thing because I know how miserable and draining it is. I just wanted to say thank you so much for trying to help your daughter. I’m glad that you all have some idea of what’s causing it early on (I wasn’t diagnosed until 19 or so) and hopefully you and doctors will be able to make her life better easier.
Thank you for sharing your story. While I did not have severe anxiety as a child, I did have anxiety that was not discussed. I cannot imagine how hard it was on you to have these strong fears without the proper support. This was written about a year ago (although I just recently shared it publically) and today she is doing so much better. I read this and it reminds me how far we have come. I hope you have received the proper care and support once you received your diagnosis!
My soon to be 8-year old son also suffers from debilitating anxiety. We are trying to find a better school situation (his current school is not letting him return because they just don’t know how to help him and the manifestations of his anxiety are so disruptive to all of the other students). We just started seeing a psychiatrist this week. Every day is a battle but I am hoping that we can get him on a better path.
Wow. I am so sorry to hear this. Does your son attend a public school? Please send me an email and I will do all that I can to help you. There are so many ways that a school can help your son succeed. I have been a part of creating plans and when implemented properly…they work. I hope the psychiatrist can be a valuable resource for you too.
Reading this had me in tears. Because this is me. This is my life and it could’ve been me who wrote this. My daughter is now 15 and I find the mornings are a bit easier in that she will now push through on her own strength and self motivation a few days a week. You can still see she is debilitated with anxiety. But somehow she is able to push through. It took years of work….. and it’s still not perfect….. but it’s better. I hope you can get there soon too …. best wishes…
Ah, I am so sorry that this is your story too. It is so awful on everyone. I agree that it is a bit easier now that she is older and pushing through with more success but there is always a blanket of anxiety throughout the house in the morning. I wrote that piece about a year ago when life was a living hell! Thank you for your kind words. I wish nothing but the best for your daughter.
Have you researched cbd for anxiety and OCD? Its definitely worth looking into. Helps so many people! God bless!
Hi. I have spent a great deal of time researching CBD and have had success. I am actually working on a post right now about our experience with CBD oil. It should be posted soon. Thank you.
I can do relate and it’s so difficult. Love and prayers to you.
Thank you so much. Same to you!
I am rooting for you and praying for you and your beautiful, anxious daughter . Hang in there. Both your kids are lucky to have such a loving Mother.
Ah, thank you. I am rooting for us too:)