The Year From Hell is in the Past- Recovering From the Trauma of Anxiety

I can sit here today and type this knowing our family went through hell last year and we are finally starting to see our way out, realizing the path will be bumpy.  This post has been stewing in my mind for months but I cannot seem to get the raw truth out, giving it the authenticity it deserves. I am unable to articulate the details that lead us to hell, as they blend together in one giant black cloud.  Emotionally, I can describe in great detail, the pain (and anger) suffered by us all.

Imagine a glass vase getting a slight crack in its outer layer.  Over time, through movement and weather, the crack reaches the inner layer, then spreading over more space, until it cracks into large pieces.  Those pieces lay on the ground, slowing breaking into smaller pieces which eventually turn into glass-like dust…no longer recognizable as the vase it once was.  That vase is my daughter. She started the school year nearly intact and ended the year as a speck of dust with no light in her eyes, smile to her face, or hope in her heart.  As parents, we were not quite dust, as we knew we must stay “together” for our children, but we were broken and being held together by cheap scotch tape.

I wish I could pinpoint how we got from the small crack to a speck of dust, but it is impossible.  It is a broken insurance system, undereducated (pertaining to mental health) teachers and school administrators, long hospital wait lists, negative stigmas, and the unique traits of mental health shown in each person.

In April, we finally found a counselor who, for the first time, gave us hope.  She recognized how broken J was, and how hopeless, scared, and traumatized our family was.  She had the experience and education to start the process of putting us back together. Most importantly, she gave us hope.  She is honest and kind. She is part of our recovery team, helping us understand anxiety and how we can be healed.

In June, after a 6-9 month wait, we were finally able to meet with a child psychologist at Nationwide Children’s Hospital.  He too was compassionate and understanding, offering treatment and education on our path to healing.

Together, our counselor and doctor, are giving us the chance to heal, allowing J to return to school with the support that both she, and the teachers need.  It gives my husband and me the chance to regain our footing as parents.

I look into J’s eyes and I see the sparkle, I can hear her laugh, and I can feel that she has hope for a better life than this past year presented her.  She talks about what she wants to be when she grows up, she takes pride in her appearance again, she hugs us freely. Most importantly, she accepts that she will always have times of great anxiety, but is gaining the confidence in herself to deal with those moments when they arise, allowing her to be in charge as opposed to her anxiety leading the way.  

There is nothing I want more for my children than happiness.  I have no expectations of what leads to their happiness…I just want to see them happy!  Far too much happiness was taken from us over the course of the past year. Each moment of happiness we have now is a gift we do not take for granted.  

Our future will be filled with bumps but with knowledge, experience, an optimistic support system, and hope, this year will be one of growth and gratitude.  We will use our story to lift others and help end the stigma, helping ourselves and others find joy rather than anxiety.