My Child Won’t Go To School –
Treatment for School Refusal
Most kids, when given the choice, would prefer to stay home rather than attend school, however, when school is in session, they go with little resistance. Some kids, no matter their age, academic level, prior school history, or parental situation, refuse to go to school…kicking and screaming, running away, and crying. Unfortunately, this was our reality for a very long time. Given the intensity and duration of our situation and my background as a public school teacher, I have learned a great deal about treatment for school refusal. (Click here to read about our anxiety journey.) If you find yourself in a similar pattern, please know it will get better. Read on for 5 ways to help your child get back to a smooth transition from home to school.
Understanding School Refusal
So, what is school refusal? In the simplest terms, it is a phobia or an intense fear of school. It is NOT a behavioral problem and cannot be treated as such. Each child is unique in how and why this anxiety developed and how it presents itself. For some kids, a negative experience at school such as bullying or trauma could lead to school refusal, while other children may struggle with separation anxiety or the need to be perfect. Children may begin acting out of character with changes in mood and behavior or making frequent visits to the nurse complaining of physical symptoms in the hopes of going home.
Do not treat this as a behavioral problem, which is the easiest and most common mistake. I made this mistake many times over the years. It is often difficult to separate anxiety actions from behavioral actions, but it is necessary for success. Forcing an anxious child into school without addressing the anxiety will actually heighten the anxiety making school refusal even more intense. This does not mean that you are to keep your child out of school. There is treatment for school refusal that allows a child with anxiety to return to school successfully.
Be on the Same Page as Your Partner
Each family is unique…single, married, grandparents…so this will not apply to everyone. If you are raising your child with another actively involved adult, it is imperative that you are both on the same page. Anxious children will do almost anything to escape an uncomfortable situation, often manipulating, and at times, acting out. If a child senses that one adult will react differently than the other adult, the child will begin working situations to get what he or she wants This can cause serious damage to relationships, as it undermines the effort that was put into properly handling the child’s anxiety.
For my husband and I, attending our daughter’s therapy sessions and doctor appointments as a couple was the single best decision we made for our family. It equipped us to parent J as a solid unit, knowing that we had each other’s back when times were tough. An anxious child succeeds with clear, consistent expectations at home and at school. That can only happen if everyone is on the same page AND accepts that anxiety is a real medical condition!!!!
Get Outside Treatment for School Refusal
I highly encourage you to seek help as soon as you suspect school refusal. Anxiety spirals quickly, creating negative habitual behaviors which take intense work to reverse. Immediately speak with the school alerting them to the situation and discuss what they are observing at school. Unfortunately, many schools do not take anxiety seriously, often attributing behaviors to choice rather than fear. Anxiety is a reason to request a 504, and at times, an IEP.
In addition to meeting with the school, I honestly believe attending regular counseling sessions is a must. Research shows that therapy is the single most effective treatment for anxiety. It takes time to find the right therapist, as they all have different specialties and experiences. Begin researching child anxiety therapists, requesting initial meetings as soon as possible. I have found that there is a “gut” feeling when you find the right therapist for you and your child. This takes time, as it is often trial and error. Together, with the school, the therapist and the family, a plan needs put in place to get your child to school, even if he or she is not attending classes in the classroom like typical children.
The goal is to get to school and stay at school. This will happen with a supportive team approach, baby steps, and patience. Once that begins to happen more positively, then small steps are taken to begin working academically in the classroom. Often therapy for anxiety is seen as a luxury, and, as parents, we have to “decide” if we want to pay for it. Would you pay for medical care if your child was diagnosed with diabetes or cancer? Of course! Think of mental health the same way!
Talk to Your Kid about Anxiety
Talk to your kid and ask him or her to explain what they feel and think about school. Whether you agree or understand their thoughts is not important, as it is how they view the situation. Do not tell them that they are wrong for what they explained. Together, brainstorm ideas to help turn their negative thoughts into more positive responses. Could you find a quieter place to eat lunch? Can your child change seats in the classroom to sit by another child? Could a school staff member meet your child at the car each morning? Would writing emails to one another throughout the day help?
Let your child know that you hear them and that you are going to help. It is important for children to know they are experiencing anxiety and that with help, this awful feeling/phase will pass. As hard as it is at times, do not threaten or punish your child for their school refusal. (I will admit that I have done this out of sheer frustration and desperation. The guilt is incredibly painful! We are human and we will make mistakes.) Make sure that your child knows that overcoming school refusal is possible with the right treatment plan.
Take Care of Yourself
Sending a child off to school each day in tears, clinging to your leg, or running away from the school is emotionally exhausting. For many families, the anxiety may never end, as the child comes home from school already anxious about the next school day. Add to that comments from others like, “Just make him go to school!” or “My child has anxiety too. We just tell her to deal with it.” You need to find a support system to help you deal with the stress that occurs each day in your home. I found it difficult to talk to other parents because unless you live it, it is hard to really grasp what life is really like. I refused counseling for myself for years because I felt guilty spending the money on myself. Our current counselor made it clear that if I was to help my child, I must take care of myself first. Therapy has given me tools to help manage my reaction and emotions when dealing with J’s anxiety. It has also reiterated that I cannot feel guilty about the mistakes I have made nor can I “fix” my child… I can only support her.
Work With Your Child’s School
Using my experience as a teacher, parenting my daughter through her anxiety and school refusal, and graduate classes in understanding anxiety, I have written Helping Children Manage Anxiety at School: A Guide for Teachers and Parents in Supporting the Positive Mental Health of Children in Schools. This book will help you work with the school to create the best plan to help your child be successful at school in spite of anxiety.
Parenting is hard no matter the circumstances. Parenting a child who struggles to get up and attend school each…something that we all took as a given when seeing our child’s future…adds a whole new layer of challenges. I currently follow four Facebook groups all dedicated to children with anxiety. Without a doubt, the most common discussion topic relates to school refusal. The stories are heartbreaking, but it shows how common this phobia is. As parents, we must demand that our child’s needs are taken seriously by the school while we also get them the intense, high-quality treatment for school refusal that they deserve.
Share your story below, offering support to other families or visit our Facebook group, Helping Children with Anxiety Succeed at School
Literally right before I read this post, my 7th grade daughter “dinged” me as you put it. She has been diagnosed with GAD/School Refusal. Our worst year was last year. This year got off to a great start, but last week started to go downhill. She texted me from the bathroom where she was having what I believe to be her first ever panic attack. I ended up leaving the sub job that I was working (in the same district, so we could find someone to cover the class quickly) and went and picked her up. I’ve met with the school counselor and we’ve talked through many things with our daughter. The counselor feels that she shouldn’t text me about feeling like she needs to be picked up, etc…..He wants her to go through the nurse or him if she is feeling overwhelmed. At first, he felt that I shouldn’t respond to her texts at all, but I feel like I am her lifeline when she is struggling. I am curious about how you handled these types of situations when they would arise. I, like you, dread the sound of a text coming in.
The other thing we are struggling with is finding the right fit in a therapist. We live in Central New York and there just aren’t many people that seem to deal with teen anxiety. We have been to so many people and still can’t find someone who gets it and gets her. We just left a therapist and have started the search again.
Any recommendations would be so appreciated….not sure where to go from here. But, I do know that my heart is breaking….
Thanks for sharing your journey!
I believe that our children text us (reach out to us) because they do not have the skill to help themselves and do not believe that there is anyone at school that they can count on and trust. The goal is to teach your daughter the skills to help herself during moments of anxiety while also helping the school learn ways to support your daughter. It takes a lot of time and I believe, the guidance of a trained therapist. I understand how hard it is to find the “right” one. I encourage you to keep looking for one in your area…ask everyone you meet, share on social media…anything to find someone to help. We found our current therapist through word of mouth when an employee where I worked saw me crying in the office. I was willing to try any recommendation and it turned out that she was “the one”. In the meantime, I suggest looking into books by Lynn Lyons. I find that her thought process for helping children and teens is in line with what we have experienced successfully. I understand the heartbreak…it is the worst. I wish you the best!
whew I feel this post – and all of the others! We have a 15 year old that is going through her second year of high school, her second year of Major Depressive and our second time asking the school for part time or full time at-home. The school has been great to work with and allows her to stay home but how long can that last? How many years will the same pattern happen? And the friends are gone. Traditional is just not working. Plus she is having such a hard time catching up this time. Like all of us, I worry about the future. College? A career?
Amy, I am so sorry to hear this. Anxiety and depression are just awful for the child and the parent! Has she been able to try any type of therapy with an experienced therapist who understands anxiety and depression in teens? I really believe that it can be helped but quality help is so hard to find. Is she able to go to school for one or two classes to get her out of the house and then home instruct the rest of the day? While my daughter is doing very well now, I do not think she will ever be able to catch up in school because she has missed so much over the years. I try to remain optimistic about her future but there are times this is hard. Keep trying to find the tools needed for your daughter, continue giving her unconditional love, and I will send positive thoughts your way.
Yes, Yes…we also have a kind, loving, yet anxious, 13 yr old son. We lost our oldest daughter suddenly to pulmonary embolisms which catapulted us into unknown territory. We dealt with school refusal after a panic attack happened there – he was called out by a sub for sitting in the bathroom so long crying. After many long months and even a trial start to meds, we decided we weren’t willing to go to a higher dose before puberty, discontinued meds, and pulled to homeschool with EMDR and private tutoring.
All of it is expensive and so worth it, but we still struggle with separation anxiety not helped by homeschooling. I’m the focus of his separation anxiety (if his sister could die so suddenly then I could, too). I also work/teach preschoolers at home in addition to homeschooling my son. He has tools to use, but we have recently just begun setting mini goals each week. I cried when I read this as it’s a lonely and challenging journey as a parent/family/young teen with anxiety.
My son is starting a blog soon to share his own journey. He has many online friends and two RL friends who have stuck by his side regardless of the number of invitations declined. I’m so ever grateful for the times my son can, and does, say, Yes. This is a challenging journey. Thankful to have found you. Our kids should connect as few teens have the ability to know how the mind of anxious kids really work – the energy it takes to function in the world daily.
I am so sorry to hear about the struggles you have had as a mother. There are no words I can offer to comfort you over the loss of your daughter. As for your son’s anxiety, I feel all of your pain! I have fought with every ounce of my being to not pull my daughter from school and offer home school instead. I do not know if that has been the right choice because I worry the trauma of last year has scarred her. I hope he begins using his tools and working towards the mini-goals…each small step is a step in the right direction! I love hearing that he still has some friends that stick with him…that is so important. Where do you live? (You can send a message if you do not want to share here.) I am trying to find a way to connect kids and parents in some sort of “support group” either in person or virtually!
So glad to have found your blog. Our daughter, 15, was incapable of getting started with school this fall, and our lives have been unbelievably difficult since. I am so emotionally tired, as I know she is, and it is nice to find somewhere with people who will understand.
This is the second time we have dealt with this with her. The first time was when she began 6th grade, three years ago. That time we were lucky enough to have a Waldorf school in our town who were incredibly understanding, patient and determined to see her through to success. They bent over backwards and several of the faculty and administrators took so much time with her, sitting with her outside while she had a panic attack, talking with her about birds, flowers, etc. All to get her acclimated to being on campus. She slowly transitioned into the classroom where her teacher was getting the year started just telling oral stories. They had no academic expectations right off the bat- so she wasn’t missing anything nor did she feel like she was falling behind immediately with a lot of makeup work hanging over her adding to her stress.
It all worked. She had three amazing years there where she learned so much, grew so much and had so much success. She dearly, dearly loved it and her teachers there.
And then- it ended. They do not have a high school, and we scoured our city for a small school that would be similar. We picked the most likely candidate, a place that is warm and inviting and who we know has a track record of trying very hard. And, they did try hard. But, there is just that little bit more that needed to be done, just that little bit more personal time spent by one teacher or administrator to reach out and try to connect with her and help her just get used to being on campus- that they felt was too much to ask.
It has been massively damaging to her. We don’t have other good options in our town. I am trying to homeschool, but her depression is severe and her anxiety has grown enormously.
Of course she is in therapy and we are trying medications, but nothing positive is happening so far.
And so- I have no words of wisdom at the moment. Just trying to hang on. But I do really appreciate this blog. Thank you.
I cried while I read this because I know exactly what you are going through. We also had wanted to attend a Waldorf a few years ago but couldn’t afford the tuition. I am glad you had a wonderful experience there. Your description of “just that little bit more” is so perfect to describe how I feel about our situation…especially last year. I would love to email you and chat more but would like permission first. Can I email you at the email that is associated with this comment?
Thanks for this post! Unfortunately we did not manage to solve this with the school my daughter was attending. They were just simply not willing to treat her differently… We switched schools and this brought us the solution. My experience is that if a child has anxiety, rooted in anything and the school also puts on another portion of anxiety I have to eliminate as many factors as possible that causes anxiety. Otherwise she was not able to heal.
Thanks again, this post was very validating for me.
Very well said! We have had many difficulties with schools over the years. This is my daughter’s 3rd year at our current school. While we are getting more support than in that past, it is still difficult to get the school to see anxiety on the same level as other medical conditions.